Tips and Scripts for Co-parenting Communication
I would like to start with a reminder that a difference of opinion or perspective happens in all relationships, even healthy happy relationships. Conflict is unavoidable; we are human beings with individual ideas, histories, thoughts and perspectives. The trick or magic happens when you can manage conflict respectfully as and when it arises. This, as we know, is not always easy.
Throw into the mix the grief of a lost relationship and the family life you had imagined. Guilt, sadness and anger are prevalent hence why co-parenting dynamics can be extra difficult and can often spill over to impact negatively on the children that are involved.
Being mindful of effective communication in co-parenting and how it directly impacts children’s emotional health and resilience is a good starting point to raise awareness. Studies show that children whose parents communicate respectfully have better self-esteem, lower anxiety, and feel more secure. By prioritizing respectful, clear communication, co-parents provide stability and positive modelling, which helps children feel grounded in both households. So even if you no longer feel respectful towards your co-parent, putting your own emotions, agenda and ego aside with the goal of raising a child who feels a connection to both parents has positive long-term outcomes.
Set boundaries - Keep conversations focused on your child, agree times to communicate & agree preferred ways to communicate. Be specific and clear.
Talking late at night for instance may not be beneficial, or 5 minutes after the handover when everyone is rushed.
Respond don't react - When triggered by an emotive subject remember your power is in your response.
Pause before responding, use a calm and neutral tone -even if you are not feeling it - Fake it until you make it!
Pick your battles - not everything needs to be corrected. You don't need to ‘be right’ or ‘win’ For the sake of maintaining balance – let it go if its not important.
Trust me your child will thank you for it.
Never use your child as a messenger! If communication does deteriorate, then think about using a communication app or another adult to be the conduit. Parents and their relationship dynamic is an adult domain, NOT your kid's.
Scripts you can use
When you disagree “I see it differently, but I am open to looking at something that works best for (child's name)” or “lets focus on what will be most helpful for (child's name) right now”
When emotions are running high “I need some time to think first” or “I want to keep this calm and remember it's about (child's name)”
Keeping your boundaries “I am happy to talk about (child's name) but not about any past issues that we have had” or “can we please just stick to communication about (child's name)”
My last point to mention is that children are intuitive and amazing, they will pick up on the words that are not even spoken, the body language, the look! They are extra tuned in when they feel unsettled so try to take extra care when you are on the phone debriefing your frustrations to your sister or BFF when the children are in the next room or you think they are tucked up in bed sleeping soundly, are they? Remaining mindful and having those conversations when you are 100 percent sure your child is not listening goes a long way to protecting them from adult issues and hearing things they don’t really want to hear about someone that they love.